Memories. Pain and the Game,

"You will suffer in significant ways from this for the rest of your life."

There are times in all of our lives when we hear things that we dread. This was one of those for me and it happened this week. These words came from my doctor after I took a series of tests for brain functioning as a result of concussions throughout my life.  Let me be clear, they were not a surprise. I have known for years that many of the symptoms for Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) are things that I am experiencing. Memory loss, depression, emotional outbursts, questionable judgment, headaches, dizziness are all things that I have had to deal with.  But the difference between hearing that you may suffer and you will suffer is a huge gap.

It does not mean I have been diagnosed with CTE. At this time, it can only be diagnosed post-mortem. But I do show chronic signs from traumatic brain injuries that in turn led me to score low on the tests. According to my doctor, there will be many more tests and lots of physical therapy. And pondering and processing. It is hard to realize that something that you have loved, in this case, the game of football could have caused so much pain.

Football has helped me become who I am. Through coaches who actually taught virtues through the game, I grew to understand dedication, humility, hard work, commitment, loyalty,  love and community in ways I never learned anywhere else. I have met some of the most amazing and unique people that I have played with and against. I have coached some of the most incredible people on the planet. I have traveled to places I never imagined I would go, and I have made some of the best friends anyone could ever have, all through football. I have been blessed through the game. I knew that my body would take a toll, but I never knew that it would be so vicious.

When I was playing we knew nothing of CTE or the effects of multiple concussions. In fact, one year in college I had five concussions and was approved to return to play after each one. No one imagined the horrors that would await some of us. And make no mistake, they are horrors. The absolute pain of the headaches, which feels like someone is taking a knife to the inside of your skull, the sensitivity to sound which produces more headaches. The pure darkness of depression when you feel as if you are in such a deep hole that you can not claw your way out of it and which creates physical pain to match the mental abyss you find yourself in for no apparent reason. The emotional gymnastics which make suicide seem like a far better option than to take one more excruciating breath. All of this and more are the other side of the game.

Balancing those two realities and trying to come up with an answer for "was it worth it?" is an impossible task. And so we have a debate now raging around the issues of concussions and the game. Ironically, last week saw the release of a book by Merrill Hoge and Peter Cummings called Brainwashed: The Bad Science Behind CTE and The Plot to Destroy Football, in which the authors try to make the case that there is no scientific proof that football causes CTE. In the book, they take on the Boston University neuropathologists who have done the majority of the work in the field and in 2017 released a study where they found that of 111 brains of former NFL players 110 had CTE. Hoge and Cummings point out the flaws in the study, which granted there are some. The research still needs to move forward and more needs to be done. Hoge's book does not dispute however that those 110 brains had CTE and that is 110 families that lost a loved one. While the science needs to catch up, we also need to know that the game has its costs and many times we are not aware of them until it is too late. For me, it is no longer an academic or philosophical premise. I know what caused my trauma, and it was the game I love.

Personally, I knew of some of the risks later as I was coaching and the word was getting out about the effects of concussions and I experience the start of some of my symptoms. As a result, I changed the way I coached and ran practices. We no longer hit during practices with live tackling. As soon as Hawk tackling was introduced by the Seattle Seahawks we implemented it in our tackling. I did everything I could to take the head and the repeated banging out of the game. Shorter practices, less hitting, never taking someone to the ground, new techniques, new equipment, whatever we could do I implemented it because I did not want any of my players to experience the pain I was.

I felt like that was my way to honor the game by making it safer for those I coached so that they might be able to benefit from the positive aspects without the residual pain. I faced resistance, from assistant coaches primarily who weren't living the hell I was and thought that toughness was more important and that we should be hitting more. But, I never backed down and it has cost me over the years.

And so now I move forward, knowing that the road ahead is difficult and hoping that the things I learned from the game about perseverance, hope, and diligence will help me through this challenge ahead. Persevering through the tasks set in front of me, Hoping that science will find solutions that may provide a cure where there is none today. And being diligent about loving those around me to the best that I can. And if nothing else trying to keep positive in the midst of things. As I told my doctor, "well the good thing is that every movie I watch is always brand new to me these days! That's something!" 

Kneeling is a position of humility.

Colin Kaepernick continues to spur controversy. It used to be over whether you liked the San Francisco 49ers and their success with the young Quarterback and his skills on the field. But these days due to the collusion of NFL teams who have blackballed the QB it is purely for the just off-field (sideline) protests that he started when he was still in the league.

            Kaepernick started a movement to kneel during the playing of the National Anthem in protest of the way that people of color are treated by police and other authorities in the United States. He had enough of seeing unarmed black men gunned down in the streets of America by police officers and decided to take a knee in protest. Many other athletes have joined in on the protests and it has become a huge controversy with the NFL as many people claim that it is disrespectful of the flag and of service members in the military. While the President of the United States has stoked the controversy by calling Kaepernick and the players a ”son of a bi#@%” and claiming that they do not even know what they are protesting, the players have been crystal clear in their responses and explain clearly that the issue is not patriotism but racism.

            Nike today named Kaepernick one of the faces of their 30^th anniversary of the “Just Do It” Campaign with the tagline " Believe in Something, even if it means sacrificing everything. # Justdoit." In typical fashion, many on social media are threatening to throw away their Nike shoes and denouncing both the brand and Kaepernick, once again sowing the discord plaguing our nation. Kaepernick is following the decades-old tradition of African American athletes fighting racist discrimination which had its notable beginnings at the 1968 Mexico City Olympic Games when Tommy Smith and John Carlos stood on the gold medal platform and upheld their black-gloved hands to the heavens during the playing of the U.S. national anthem.

                This act infuriated officials who took away the Olympic athlete’s gold medals but, was a pivotal moment in the civil rights movement. Kaepernick’s gesture to kneel is a continuation of this protest and is interestingly seen as disrespectful. I say interestingly because kneeling is one of the humblest acts one could do in our culture. To kneel is to submit. The only thing which is more of a humble posture is to lay prostrate on the ground. For those who participate in religious services kneeling is a familiar position to take before one’s God. In monarchies kneeling was and can still be a standard position when coming before those in authority, the King or Queen. It is also a position often used when asking for the mercy or assistance of an authority. Men traditionally kneel before a woman when asking her to be his wife. It is a position of giving honor to another. So, I am dumbfounded when people are insulted at the act and claim that it is dishonoring to the flag and troops.

 

Even though people mix up the actions of these athletes stand against racism with some perceived protest of the flag and military, if one still wants to hold to this mistaken interpretation then they even have that wrong.  What these athletes are doing is showing honor to the flag and all who serve it by kneeling, an act of humility. What I see in this act is an unspoken request to those in power to help. A request for those of us seeing this protest to act against the racism that these athletes and their friends and family face every day. And those of us who are against racism should be responding not by criticizing them but by standing up to the racism we see exhibited whether it be by our leaders or the person next to you in line at the grocery store. There is no room for this disease in American culture. When we switch the subject on the discussion we are ignoring the pleas of our brothers and sisters who are Americans with a different skin pigment and are kneeling to ask us for help.

I am asking you to see this through a different lens. As a humble request with all honor given to those of us who can make a difference. Racism is a serious problem, one that has found solutions at times in the world of sport. So maybe instead of denouncing Nike, we acknowledge that they are doing what they can to address the issue. And maybe when we see someone kneel we see someone who is asking us earnestly and humbly for our help. Wouldn’t it be a powerful thing to see people in the stands humbly kneel in unison against racism instead of standing in judgment of those suffering from it?  

Jim Nendel