The Hope of Suffering

"Wow, you remind me of Job" a friend recently told me over a beer at a local pub. He was referring to the spate of "suffering" that I have experienced over the last 4 years including bankruptcy, periods of unemployment, losing my house, divorce, and  3 surgeries in the last year for cancer and wrist reconstruction which have led to more periods of underemployment and a sense of being in a holding pattern for life.  While I claim no comparison to the fates that Job faced or even the intense suffering that many of my friends are currently experiencing I must admit that I find myself wondering "why" often? Why did I not get that job ? I was perfectly qualified and it would be a great fit. Why did I get cancer? Why did the ladder fail and the wrist not heal properly?  Why can't I find someone to love me?  Why did someone treat me like that ? Many questions arise and the outward circumstances of suffering press on us from all sides.

Vincent Van Gough

Add to that the inward suffering from depression which has been a constant companion for me for many years and at times it is hard to find reasons to get out of bed. This all can make life a struggle one which many people can relate to and yet which many more somehow cannot. Many friends exhort me to "just be thankful," to "be joyful," and to "look on the bright side." All wonderful sentiments and yet nearly impossible at times due to the enormity of the darkness that can come with bouts of depression.
Two experiences this weekend touched me in regards to this struggle, the first is the tragedy of Jovan Belcher, the Kansas City Chiefs linebacker, who killed his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins and then drove to the teams practice facilities, thanked his coach Romeo Crennell and General Manager Scott Pioli for all they had done for him before shooting himself in front of them. This is disturbing in many ways and has obviously attracted the medias attention for its macabre details. I at first wondered if it involved issues of head trauma  as this action is so far from what would be expected from this young man, who from all accounts was a model citizen and a wonderful friend and teammate. Then I realized that whether he suffered from head trauma issues is really not the issue at this time and my thoughts went to a realization of how much pain he must have been in to commit theses atrocious acts. And in my mind I acknowledged that "there but by the grace of God go I."

I am not saying that what he did is excusable in any way, I am just trying to understand what type of suffering he had to be in for someone so young, intelligent and successful to have made such horrible choices. We will never know. Once again we are reminded that money, prestige, and power are not solutions for suffering, they are only a panacea. But what about the issue of suffering? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it really the dark comedic train headlight coming at us?  People often tell me that "when God closes a door he opens a window."  My cynical thoughts quickly go to, but what if that window is on the fourth floor?
So the question I was left to struggle with was, is there some hope or purpose in suffering? It is an important question, not just for me, but for all of us because suffering is a human condition, none of us are immune from it and yet some seem to navigate it better, and others seem to get more than their fair share of it. I have tried, as James admonishes, to "consider it pure joy, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1: 2-4) And yet I seem to be far from perfect and complete and  find it hard to be consider it pure joy when trouble comes. I try to remember that Jesus explained that "you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." And yet I struggle because in my sitcom and TV drama worldview this joy should be here already. After all, on those shows issues are always resolved within a half hour, or hour at the most . . . ok, sometimes I have to wait one week for an episode "to be continued" but then everything is worked out and all is well. So why am I still stuck four years out? Most Television series have ended their run within that time. Unfortunately God's time frame is not the same as what I have been conditioned to by our culture. So how does this joy come?

That answer came  from my second experience this weekend. Last night I went to church and our pastor had us write our fears on a stone and create an altar at the front of the church where we could leave the stone and give those fears to God. I left mine with my fears of rejection, failure and abandonment, hoping that God would be big enough to handle them. Then this morning I was reading in a wonderful book called God Calling, which a dear friend gave to me this fall, and I read something that took my breath away. "There comes a joy known to those who suffer with me. But that is not the result of the suffering, but the result of the close intimacy with Me, to which suffering drove you."
It struck me that I had been looking for the suffering to produce the promised joy but that is not the case. Suffering is just that-suffering- and will continue to be suffering unless we allow it to drive us to where it is intended. It is like a powerful wave that we can fight and thrash against-in vain- resulting in more suffering. Or we can ride that wave to the intimacy that it intends for us in Christ. That intimacy is where we will find joy. The suffering itself holds no possibility of joy, it is only a tool to be used in the development of our character.

So to what do we cling? To suffering? No, to Jesus. I have to admit that clinging to suffering is at times easy because it is strangely comfortable. It is at times like sitting outside the line of breaking waves knowing that at some point there will be a large wave that will crash and drive me but a safe place for the moment and a reprise from the inevitable scary ride back to the shore. That ride may be fraught with more whitewash from the wave tossing and thrashing us around to a point where we don't know which way is up or down and we panic and create situations such as the one where Jovan Belcher found himself.  So why do we fight the waves? Because to trust the wave of suffering to drive us to intimacy with God is to give up control. It is an act of halting in our fight for control and to allow God to direct us, which is scary. Many times I would rather fight and try to swim against the current and at least feel like I am in control, and I can have success at times in calmer waters, but there is no hope and no joy there. There is only more suffering and at times deeper waters and deeper suffering. I have to accept the intimacy of God to allow him to know me, with all of my failures and foibles and trust that he can love me just as I am. That is the challenge. My fears have caused me great suffering and I needed to cast them away with the stone. I need to know intimacy with God and others, something I am not good at. In order to do that I need to get on the wave with God  and allow him to direct me through the waves of suffering. I need to ride the wave with him to shore and experience the joy of intimacy. Life has its struggles and yet it is not about those and waiting for more to come. It is about feeling the lick of bitter saltwater on your tongue from the spray of those struggles, the wind blowing across your body and the warmth of the sun on your face as we move a midst great power and wonders with grace and abandonment of fear.